Parent Madness Search

Just eat it

Grandma: Did you like the breakfast I made?
Granddaughter: Yes! I just didn't want to eat it.

Angry Fried Birds

Dad, I think these chicken nuggets used to be angry birds!

All Pooped Out

Dad my butt is tired, because it's been pooping all day long!


Mom: What lives under the sea? Son: an Orca? (No simple "fish" answer for my son!)

Weird Beard

Daughter: Daddy are you going to shave your beard? Because you will look weird when you trick or treat!

Too young for that stamp

My eight year old daughter came home today with a fake tattoo that "some boy" put on her lower back!

Oldest trick in the book

Dad: A girl playing on the computer this morning totally batted her eyes with a shy smile at my son and asked him for help. He fell for it, just like his Dad always did.

No tagbacks

Son: Mom, I was playing tag with my friend, so I'm "IT" until recess on Monday.

Playland woes

Younger daughter: Does this McDonald's have a playland?
Older daughter: No, but it's better that way. For THEM anyways.

Got the mumps?

Dad: Grumpy and mad mixed together is Mumpy!

Chocolate milk

One time when I was using my breast pump, my daughter came up and asked if I could make chocolate milk!!!

Run Away!!!

At the doctor's, our boy/girl twins were stripped to underwear getting ready for their immunization shot in the butt.
The boy went first, and after he screamed in pain the girl pulled her pants up as fast as she could and backed into the corner of the room!

Butt Chapstick

Son: Dad, my butt hurts.
Dad: You probably didn't wipe good enough after going to the bathroom.
Son: I need some butt Chapstick!


Son: Dad... Dad! DAAADDD!!! Dad: WHAT??? Son: I just threw up in my mouth a little! Dad: Oh. Um... that's great. Son: And then I swallowed it back down!

Party On!

Dad: My son went into the bathroom where his daughters were going potty, dropped his pants and shouted "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!"

Mommy Pimples

Daughter: Mom you have pimples on your boobs!
Mom: ... You mean nipples??
Daughter: Yeah nipples! (hee hee) I have nipples too, but you have boobs and nipples!

Money where your mouth is

Daddy: I went to do the nightly toothbrush check, and found a quarter and nickel in my daughter's mouth!

Gluteus Maximus

Son: Daddy when I squeeze my butt cheeks together it sucks the poop in so it won't come out!

Private bites

Tried to convince the kids we should move to the forest and be nudists. (aka no more laundry) They said we can't or we'd get mosquito bites on our privates. They may have won that argument.

Future purse hoarder

Overheard spoiled little rich girl: OMG I don't know how you could STAND having the same backpack for a WHOLE YEAR!

Here comes the rain

Dad: My 8 year old daughter came to me sobbing today because she hates her hair because it has too many tangles. HELP WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY?!

Learning French

Never thought I'd be using "I see London, I see France" as a parenting tool!

Baby Dragons!

Tonight at the grocery store, my daughter convinced my son that watermelons were dragon eggs!

And no singing!

Some times our house is like Monty Python: "Stop that stop that, NO SINGING!"

Frozen Cherries

‎Your son just informed me (while eating ice cream) that he was "freezing his cherries off". When I asked him what he meant, he pointed in the general direction of his tonsils. Maybe a new term for the tonsils is in order????

No, the OTHER pink one is MINE!

Parenting tip: Always make sure your kids have different colored golf balls for putt putt

Meow! Zzzz..

Dad: Coaching kids flag football today was like herding deaf narcoleptic cats!

Capris Shorts

My 5 year old daughter's shorts she wore today? Size 18 month capris!

Nicknames begone!

Mom: So did you play with Josh today?
Son: You mean JoshUA?
Mom: You knew what I was talking about. If you called him Josh he would answer, right?
Son: (serious look) NO, that didn't work! I called him Josh and he didn't answer, then I called him JoshUA AND HE ANSWERED. (very serious)

Criss Cross

Dad to daughter, AFTER school: Wait... are your pants on backwards??

Man Toilet Training

Dad: Made my son clean the toilet when he peed on the seat. You're welcome to his future wife.

Fat & Happy Puppy

One of the kids put the box of dog treats upside down and OPEN. I pick up box, treats dump all over floor. Dog is ecstatic.

Teeny Tiny Tot

Dad: My five year old daughter is too small and skinny to set off the automatic door sensors!

Melting Mom's Heart

Son: Mom, you're 31?? I thought you were like 24!!

Look on the bright yellow side

On the positive side, if the cat hadn't peed on the shower curtain I wouldn't have gone downstairs to throw it away and noticed the dog pee on the floor.

Stuffie Overload

Max stuffed animals allowed (per the rules) in the bed: 3. Stuffies in my daughter's bed: 19.

Stick Together

Mom: Is that your friend?
Son: Yeah he's my friend because he sticks with me!

The comfy chair?

Mom: My daughter was playing and handing out pretend punishments - "I will make you sit in the uncomfortable chair!"

Gold Stars

Daughter: Mommy, I'm so proud of you for going on the potty. Here's your sticker!


Dad: My son can burp words on command. I'm so proud! Don't tell Mommy!

Howling Good Time

Daughter: Mommy stop singing, you're hurting the doggy's ears!

No W's allowed

Mom: My daughter is so organized, she has to have all the M&M's facing up and separated by color before she eats them!

Zzz Thunk Zzz

Mom: My duaghter fell out of bed and continued sleeping on the floor!

Barf Zoo

My kids' summary of their zoo field trip: There was a kid who barfed so he got to ride in the wagon the whole time

At least it's not a tattoo!

Mom: Whats all over your arms?? Daughter: Stencil drawings with marker that MIGHT come off!

Under the Sea

Dad: Watching little mermaid now I'm totally on King Triton's side.

Skinny surfers

Mom: Watching "Soul Surfer" and my daughter says "Fat people can't surf" The things kids learn from the movies

Wendy Lady

Daughter: Mommy that Peter Pan is a silly boy
Mom: You're a silly girl
Daughter: You're a silly boy Mommy. (Insert immense giggles here), No, I'm just kidding Mommy, you a girl.

Princesses of Pop?

Daughter: the Disney princesses aren't real, but I saw a real princess on a magazine once! Mom: Do you remember her name? Daughter: Ummm I think it was Michael Jackson?

Oh Baby

Daddy: Why can't you stop wiggling?? Daughter: (shouting) I've just got that Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and I can't stop dancing!!!

Happy ARGH new year!

A parent's new year: Went to change the automatic cat litter boxes only to discover that it has eaten the plastic bag, so I had to take it apart the whole thing covered in filth.
One daughter woke up sick and barfing, and the other daughter peed her bed.
When I was doing laundry for the barf and pee soaked sheets, a wipey fell into the utility tub and clogged it. So when the washer emptied it flooded the laundry room. Barf water went pouring into the basement. AAGGGHH