Parent Madness Search

Screechy Birthday

Son: Daddy the lemurs are screeching because they know it's my

Oh Snap

Mom: I'm not happy that you didn't nap today.
Daughter: Well, I'm happy that I didn't have to sleep. Oy!

Cold Kids

This morning my daughter was complaining about being cold, so I went in to her room to see why and she was stripped naked sitting on the heat register.

Zany Zoo

Daughter: Daddy if you don't take me to zoo boo next year I'll never
look at you!

Heavy Doodie

Son: Daddy I need a wrench to help get my poops out!

Uncle Smelly

Daughter: My uncle tickles me and calls me stinky butt!

Dancin machine

In the women's locker room after my three year old boy's swimming
class, he dropped his pants and started gyrating his pelvis saying
Mommy look at me!!

Pave the earth

Daughter: Mommy we live on earth, and the other kids live on the

Tree Terror

Daughter: Daddy you can't go to work in your underpants because you
might get hit by a tree!

Caveman Dad

Daughter: Daddy you can grow hair on your face, but you need to shave
your arms!

Tree Pop

Son: Daddy, if you drink and party you'll pop into a tree!

Multi Talented

Son: Daddy I have big pieces of poop and little pieces of poop!

You'll Go Down in History

Daughter: Gramma when were you born?
Gramma: 1942
Daughter: Isn't that when Columbus sailed the ocean blue?

Who let the stinks out

Son: I'm closing the bathroom door so no stinks get into our rooms!

Cut it out

(at a pizza place)
Son: Daddy don't cut the cheese!
Mom: Your son is wise beyond his years!

Bow Wow Brains

Daughter: Mommy if our dog's brains fall out will he turn bad?
Mom: No honey, and his brains can't just fall out.
Daughter: What if we shaved off all of his fur?

Resistance is futile

After delivering a nicely folded basket of laundry for my daughter to
put away, I turned back to see her picking them up and shaking them to
unfold them before stuffing them into her drawers!

Shake it baby

Son: Daddy when I sit to go potty then I have to wipe and then
stand up and shake it!

Very Merry

Daughter: Daddy when we go to the mall can I ride a horsey on the Miracle

Lights Out

My daughter is so determined to be the one to turn off her bedroom
light at night that if I turn it off first she will walk over, turn it
on again and off again!

No It's Not

I was changing my daughter's diaper, and didn't realize it had a turd in it, so when I pulled it off, the poop landed right on her stomach.

Daughter: I have chocolate in my butt??

Proud Papa

Just taught my son how to write his name in pee in the dirt. Daycare will love that trick!

Grossed Out Dad

Walking in to work, something brown on my pant leg.  Poop? Chocolate? Who knows!!

Green Dad

At the bus stop today my daughter and I picked up all the worms from the sidewalk and threw them into the grass. Thank you kids books about worms!

Food Court

If I don't like my Target, can I have your target?

Wet Floor

While I was in the shower, my daughter shouted frantically for me to come quick, my daughter needed me! Always the superhero, I dashed wet and naked through the hall to help. She had forgotten the name of her dolly and wanted to ask me.

No Service

Son to Sister: "Stop yelling, I'm trying to call someone!" on
his toy phone


Jesus stays up on the cloud, that's where he lives!

Shake It

My son pulled his pants down after peeing, stepped back over to the
potty and said "I forgot to shake it!"

Dirty Pants

You know you've reached a new phase when the kids end up dumping more food on you than on themselves.

Princess Prayers

The princess thing may have gone too far, we now say prayers every night with an audible breath between each sentence "So I sound like a princess!"

Carnivore Kids

We're sad that Bambi died, but it's ok because we like to eat meat!

Fatty Daddy

Daddy you have to do pushups because you have a fat belly!

It Doesn't Beep

I touched my 3 year old son's nose and made a "beep!" sound. He responded by poking me in the crotch and saying "beep!"

Boys Rule

My daughter was wrestling and tickling her little brother, and he passed gas right in her face. Testosterone FTW!

Confused Mommy

My two little ones (boy and girl) were running around with no clothes on after bath time, the girl on the floor and the boy standing. The boy stands over the girl and says Good doggy! I'm going to pee on your head! What???

Two Poo

Mommy! I pooped one for Daddy AND one for you!

Zombie Kids

Dad: Do you know why we don't bite?
Daughter: Because we do not eat people.

Presenting Her Highness

My daughter knocked on the door and said "Open the door. The Queen is home!"


At the grocery store, my son grabs the SI swimsuit edition and shows me and says, "Mom, you can almost see her boobs!" Too funny!

Hairy Old Man

Daughter: Daddy you have to shower because you're all hairy!

No Licking

My daughter had a friend over for a playdate. As the two girls were playing, her friend leaned over and licked my daughter in the armpit!


Just love it when one of my kids goes potty during naptime and leaves
a deuce unflushed!

Stinker Pants

My daughter let one rip in the car this morning so bad I had to roll
the windows down!

Whats This

Dad to son: No, your underpants do NOT have pockets in the front!

Good Job Daddy

Son to Mom: My Daddy stands up to go potty and he pees in the water and doesn't make a mess!

Swim Shirts

Daughter: Daddy why do you have two shirts on?
Dad: So I can be warm at work.
Daughter: You can't go swimming with your clothes on! (I don't swim
at work??)

Pixar Power

Daughter to Dad: Don't make me superbark you!

Road Trip

Daughter: Can we use our cars to drive to heaven?

Yipes Stripes

Son to Dad: Daddy you look like a zebra with your stripey shirt!

Sleep Fight

Checking on my daughter at bedtime I found that she was wearing her toy boxing gloves in bed!

Old Mommy

Daughter to Mom: I want to be old like you Mommy so I can get married and have babies and take them to swimming class!

Home Repair

Daughter: It's hairy down there in the heating vent.
Gramma: How do you know?
Daughter: *rips the vent off the floor* See?!?

My Poo!

This morning my daughter had a tantrum at daycare because another kid flushed "her poop" down the toilet!

Toddler Streaker

My little daughter is so skinny that her pants were falling down as she ran to her classroom. Run three steps, pants fall down. Hoist pants back up, run three more, pants fall down again!

Extra Protein

Mom to Daughter: Why is there a hot dog in your milk???

Frozen Cowgirls

My daughter and her friend both had scarves on at the bus stop, so they spent the whole time pretending to be cowgirls having a shootout!

Sugar Daddy

Daughter to Father: I wish I had a cell phone so I could break it and then I could have a boyfriend to buy me a new one! (5 year old girl)